Fuck the bullshit;D

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 06:06:03 GMT

For the very first time in my life.. I'm going to take some time to love myself. I can't love anyone until I love myself and I can be happy being single. Two things which I have not accomplished. <3 so here I go.

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 19:34:33 GMT

I've waited 5 years to see him since he's moved away. There've been many attempts and all were failures due to whatever reason was thrown into the mix. I can't say if all those failed attempts were because of the accused reasons or if they were merely by chouce.. I'll never know nor do I care at this point. For the first time I've been given the option to come to him instead of him to me, and I have taken it. So here I am sitting in the hotel lobby I'm staying that, just a train ride away from him and I've never been more petrified in my life. I wonder if this is how he felt when the days of his flight came? I wonder if it's butterflies or my stomach turning into knots from fear of not knowing what could possibly happen within the next few hours of this day? I don't really know what to say but I'm scared. I'm anxious. I'm hopeful. I hope he recognizes me. 5 years is a really long time to have gone without seeing someone. Correspondance through a phone is a fine way of staying in touch but what would it have been like to been able to see him everyday and witness all the changes that he's endured in that time. Whatever the reason I feel that we were seperated for a purpose. We were meant to spent the last 5 years away from eachother growing, learning, accepting, becoming whoever it is that we are destined to be... but in between all the miles and the states away where the telephone line is all that could bring me close to you our love hasn't change. It's been the same love since 8th grade in Ms. D'Amato's HULA class. The same love that made my heart feel like beating again after the worst flogging in the world, granted I was too scared to leap. The same love that we share to this very day.

I'm hesitant right now. I'm too nervous to go up to my room, get ready, and walk to the metro link. When I step off that train.. are you going to be there? Will you just bail out like you've did every other time? Are you going to recognize me?
I feel like I shouldn't burden myself with all these rambling question.
I know that I'll be okay once I see you, once we see one another.

So here I am, as ready as I'll ever be.

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 13:57:03 GMT

I'll be in California till Saturday with Kat
just to hang out, chill, look at some of the colleges there
and see Trevor for the first time in 5 years

Holy fuck.. idk what ta do.

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 14:56:04 GMT

Monday morningzZZZzZzZzz Zz z z Z z Z z . .

Idk why I woke up this early.. well because I was going to go apply for my court appointed attourney but Idk if I have time anymore. Fuuuuck. fuck fck.

I want October 16th to hurry up and come so I can see Where The Wild Things Are. I'll eat you up, I love you so <3

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 05:18:23 GMT

Sedona was beautiful and cleared my mind. I got everything from it that I needed to! What more could I ask for? Well.. haha I won't go into that.

I'm deciding to move, look for a new job, and sign up for cosmo school. I just really need to do something for myself. Something I've been wanting to do for a long time now. I want to get out of this god forsaken desert. There is more for me in this life and it doesn't involve anything here. At least not right now.

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 05:04:59 GMT

Sooo much going on in my life right now
All I want is to have something good, something wondeful, something to make me feel good

Taking a trip to Sedona on Saturday to get my chart read and maybe a couple other readings if I can afford a few
I need to just clear my mind and get some feed back, good feed back
It's amazing how that one place is full of vortexs of good energy
and they say that when you go there all that energy sticks to you for a few days
I'll definately be needing that at court wednesday
I hope I can suck enough of it in to last me till them 'cause whoeverthefucksupthere knows that I am in need of it
I'm just trying to be as positive about this as I possibly can

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 23:26:11 GMT

"Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons, but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common. They're shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they're gone." ...but here I am. Here I am stuck with this shooting star that I can't let go of. This light that I want to let shine through out the heavens, the galaxies, this universe.. all alone. I don't want to let go of this. I can't do that because there is something there that neither you or I could ever describe. I was wrong for saying the things I said. I said them because I was upset with myself, for letting myself be vulnerable. For letting the thoughts of failure overwhelm me to the point of where it did. Words couldn't begin to describe the ways you made me feel and the sad thing is is I don't think you were trying. I just, couldn't help myself. I still can't help but feel like that. I would do anything to make you see again. Anything at all if we could make it work. I know what I said was wrong, entirely wrong. Your intentions were the truth, you acted on your feelings and seeing your face, knowing you came all that way to see me.. be there with me.. facing a moment we never thought would come just made me want to run and take that leap of faith.. with you. I meant everything I said to you. I wouldn't take back any of them, anything that happened, anything at all. I wanted every minute of it. I was ready to love someone unconditionally, with all my heart, for the first time in my life. You were the one and I ruined it.

xX

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 06:17:08 GMT

I spoke to Jeremy today for the first time in a few weeks. It felt so good to hear his voice. I miss him so much, it hurts.

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 16:04:01 GMT

When I thought things couldn't get any worse.. they do. I'm tired of being stuck in the same circle of habbit. I've decided to put smoking down for a while, a long while actually. After getting in all this trouble it really made me think about how I've never tried to just not. If it was put it my face, I'd take it. I've never turned down smoking before and I'm going to now. I want to see how long I can last.. I start Sunday, so day 3. I think I'll be just fine.

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 06:35:30 GMT

Weiiiird mood all week long..

No longer going to WA because Jeremy and I aren't speaking as of now
Got arrested for the first time in my life last night
Momdukes went to visit my oldest brother in prison
Hours got cut =/

Just not feeling myself, hating this
a lot

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 23:47:14 GMT

I don't like getting so annoyed and infuriated.. that I get tounge tied, I get butterflies from all the shit I want to say, and worst of all I just feel like being sick. Just getting sick, entirely because I feel like it'll get rid of it all. But it won't.
I just want to puke!

Ahhhhh I just don't know what to do at times. Why are people SO difficult?

I just wish people could be open, honest, and straight forward about shit in their life. Like what is so difficult about that? I don't get it. At all. It'll make everything easier for everyone INCLUDING youreslf. Stupid fucks.

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 05:58:18 GMT

Tiiiiiiimes like right now would be really nice to be super close with a sibling. Just to talk and be your goofy self, without any explaination haha.

I'm not really there yet with Stephen.. not even close. But I hope that I can be!

Sunday afternoon

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 16:06:11 GMT

I had just finished eating dinner with my family, at my house. I was watching TV with my little cousin when someone knocked at the door. I open it and find my brother. My brother who has been in jail for as long as I can remember back. My first reaction was to slam the door and run to my room, which I totally did.

I sat in my room.. crying. Balling my eyes out. A little because I was happy. A little because I was sad. Some for the anger, the good and the bad. I just couldn't grasp the concept. I had convinced myself when I was younger that neither of my brothers would ever come back. That they chose the lifestyles they led and didn't think twice about Mom or I. I figured that they would stay far, far away for the rest of their lives or until guilt sank into their pores and could no longer settle there.

I starred at my door knob for about 15 minutes
not knowing if I should open it or sneak out my window and run
but I really thought about it for a second
"It must have taken him a whole lot of courage and strength to actually show up at my door, knock, and wait for an answer"
I know I sure wouldn't have done that.. but my brother is a brave soul
and I have to respect him for that

There are some things that I just don't understand, that I need to understand because I'm not a child anymore. I can't be sugar coated. I could never be sugar coated and I wasn't about to start that evening.
So I went outside to face him

I cried, he cried, we cried together
I told him how I felt abandoned and alone, he told me how he felt alone and guilty
It was nice to finally hear him talk, it's been a long time
I met his fiance, Denise

He told me he was going to break down my bedroom door if I didn't come out
and I totally believe him because he waited a long time to see me
just like I've waited a long time to see him

It's weird how I've been pondering about my brothers and one finally came around. Well the other really can't come around because of his own personal choices but I still have faith he can come back to the real world.

As frightened as I am to have a new bond with someone I barely know. There is a certain connection, an understanding that we have... that I can't describe or begin to explain but it's there. We both knew it when we saw one another, when we swapped our stories. It was there, something more powerful then we could ever know.

Our blood; my brother, his sister. We're family.

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 04:58:10 GMT

Just saw Public Enemies with my Grandma and Mom. It was nice to go out with them for a change, especially to see a old movie from when my Grandma was younger. She was all excited and told me all the details. I loved it<3. She said the movie this time around was made into a love story, which is a 'go figure' right? But they ended it differently. I guess it was a better way... but the real story sounds better.. still shitty though.

I need to start taking my Grandma out like this. I think I'll try to do something with her once a week, even if it's just cooking dinner with her. I miss her a lot. I loved living with her when I was younger... she made me who I was. I gotta let her know she's appreciated :]

It's close to 10 o'clock and I don't even feel like going out right now.. Idk whats up with me lately. I don't feel the need to go out, at least tonight. Plus I'm tired from work. Definately going to enjoy my next two days off. That's for sure.

I need a mani and pedi!

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 05:01:36 GMT

I love getting new piercings, they make me so happy..
I've felt like such shit lately I just had to do SOMETHING for me
plus.. it's just a step closer to complete :D mwahah

I'm going to buy my ticket to seattle this weekend. I can't wait to go!!! I'm so excited to take a vacation... BY MYSELF TO SOMEWHERE I'VE NEVER BEEN BEFORE. Ahh, I fuckin' can't wait. Plus I miss Jeremy Dean<3 a lot. I feel weird that I miss him sometimes but I really can't help it. He always says that we're so similar but so different and we have the perfect way of balancing eachother out. It's true, very true. We're totally opposite but we go together so nicely. I wish there were more people like him in the world.. seriously. He's always happy and makes me feel so good all the time even when he's not trying to.

I miss Carly, a whole fucking lot
I still havent heard from her
This is the longest I've gone without talking to her since our rough times in sophmore year. I just hate it. I hate hate hate hate hate that she ditched me on my birthday.
FML

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 04:55:44 GMT

I find it kinda funny how things work out. How something so complicated can be so utterly simple and beautiful in it's own divine way. You can alter it, mix it up, shake it all together till you have something else... but all the same pieces fit in all the same places and nothing is ever really changed. It's the same because, it is what it is and that's all that ever really mattered.

I've been thinking about Payton a lot the past week. I know his birthday was about a week and a couple days ago... not like that really helped but yeah. Even though he slashed my tires and pushed me out of his life I really do miss him. I was there for him for a lot of shit, wether he realized it or not. I just hope he's doing okay.. even though I know he's not at all. I left a lot of things unsaid to him and that bothers me. I doubt I'll ever get the chance to say any of it to him but whatever. If I can vent it, at least to Kris, then that's all that matters to me. I just got to say it out loud and get it off my chest.

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 04:30:45 GMT

I've had the best weekend which included saturday - monday. Had friends from Seattle come visit and hang out. It was nice to be a 'tour guide' for someone who had NEVER been here. Hahah easy for me because I've lived here for my entire life ya know? At least I'll have one for Washington when I go back to visit them =] YaY. honeybee finally found buttercup..♥ I miss him alread though.. blah.

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 06:48:09 GMT

I've been through a lot in the past couple of weeks, starting the weekend before my birthday to be precise. I haven't felt this alone in such a long time. Idk what to do. I feel like my best friend has abandoned me.. she ditched me on my birthday for a guy. I know she says there was another reason why but I don't believe her because she lied. So now I just feel like she's lying, in general. I just wish I still had someone to talk to, to get feed back from instead of just jotting down whatever in this livejournal. I feel like I'm not myself right now.. like I'm stuck in a weird place. I need to stop with all this vicodine and drinking while taking them. I'm being really foolish but for some reason I feel like I need to black out. Black the fuck out entirely. It didn't really occur to me that I'm doing anything harmful till I talked to Kaited and I made her really upset. I promised her I wouldn't drink and take pills sunday... and I did. I made her cry, which only hurt me and my feelings because I did something like that to her. Idk. I don't know how to explain this shit that I'm feeling right now. It's so akward to talk about. I wish Kris were here. I'm excited for Monday just so I can talk to her. I just feel so out of whack.

I want to pop a vic right now, just drift off in my own thought process and pass out. Not even remember what I was thinking about or possibly doing tomorrow morning. Ah.

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 16:21:40 GMT

It's my birthday
I'm 19
I feel so strange.. growing up
KNOWING I'm growing up
I don't know what to take of it haha
All I do know is that I'm going to make the best of my day

It's the first day of the month. If you could have one wish come true this month, what would it be?

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 05:03:39 GMT

If I could have one wish come true this month it would definately be to meet someone spectacular who will sweep me off my feet. Someone who can make me feel emotions... that others can't make me feel. Someone I can share myself, my whole self, with. Someone to trust. Someone to love.

Fri, 29 May 2009 04:55:57 GMT

Had a fever all day long, 101.7
SO FUCKING SHITTY! I hate being sick more than anything, always try to avoid it but eh whatever I guess it happens to everyone. Can't avoid it forevuh!
Kat came over brought me medicine, flowers, and made me nap while she got her fucking CUTE ASS hair cut. It's short and look darling.. she'll get used to it. I love it though<333

I hope I'm okay to work tomorrow because I don't need to be sick.. hopefully it was some 24 hour bug, ya know? Meh.

Thu, 28 May 2009 05:14:05 GMT

Definately nice to sleep in on the week days for once! I must say.. but now going back to work on the most chaotic day of the week, is going to suck =]
Fuckin' sub managers and cooks... but at least Luis will be with me. That's a plus.

That movie date was decent. Nothing like I expected but it was good, comfortable. Funny how I find out later through the grape vine that he wanted to bust a move on me in the theatre. Hahahaaaaaaaaa yeah not in middle school anymore and not about to rewind. Cute but still funny~

Got some new clothes for work today,
2 new bathing suits from Victoria Secret,
A lot of perfumes haha (Burberry beat, bath and body work bomb sprays, and this dope scent from VS)
all I need to get now are shoes, bras, and panties
Fuck did I see the cutest lingere outfit at VS. It looked like a little sailor outfit, so cute. Ugh I want a boyfriend to dress sexy cute for hahaha how fun!

My birthday is coming up soon.. it's so weird. I feel like the year just started. Time really flys huh? Shocking, really. I'm having a birthday week and weekend. My birthday is finally on a Saturday!!!!!!!!!! Fuck yes, all week long it's going to be a hell raiser. I just hope all these mother fuckers are prepared mwahahahahaha
16 days*

Tue, 26 May 2009 06:23:50 GMT

I don't work for the next two days, how weiiird. Totally NOT working Sunday either. Fuck that shit! I don't work Sundays and that's totally not about to start.

So got asked out to the movies? Really random, nerdy, and flattering kinda! Hahah so funny though. Going tomorrow at one so I guess we'll see how it turns out. Could be fun? =]
Maybe I'll get my nails done tomorrow and something cute to wear! Way bomb.

Mon, 25 May 2009 06:41:59 GMT

I had the worst kick off for this weekend, ever. Out of whack is how I'm defining this weekend. It's a perfect description actually! Ya know.. maybe it's really true when it's said that "some things can never change". I just don't really know how to take that though. I don't know if I like that or not. It's made me wonder, ponder. All weekend long. It's had me stuck and I don't like it. Especially the whole entire reason that sparked this world of thought inside my head...

I think it's kinda funny how I predicted this sudden jolt too. I fuckin' said it a day or two before this all startled me and rocked my damn world. I just can't stop thinkin' about this.. none of this is going to be threw till I voice it. I already know, that's just it.

All I know is that.. I wouldn't still feel this way for nothing

Thu, 21 May 2009 06:21:30 GMT

My birthday is getting closer ..AND it's on a Saturday. How sick is that? Tis going to be quite a celebration. Because why the fuck not?

I'm really craving an Ice Tango right now. Ohhh man pomegranite yogurt, captin crunch, strawberries, AND pineapple. That is pretty much a mini slice of heavenly places right there. So much bombness in you're mouth at once you almost don't know what to do with yourself. Yeah, I'm definately going to hve to get one tomorrow.

Summer is finally here. It's hot as balls out alreay.. fack.

I want my car back, this is such bullshit.